Our brains are powerfully wired for protection, storing every interaction and challenge we experience to sound the alarm when we might be in harm’s way again in the future. This innate safeguard serves a vital purpose, like learning to avoid a hot stove after you touched it as a kid. But what happens when these stories, while once protective, no longer align with or threaten to harm our most precious relationships?
We’ve all been there: a simple moment or a harmless comment that suddenly ignites defensiveness, unease, shame, or frustration. That inner voice whispers, “Here we go again!” These triggers aren’t random; they dredge up old wounds, making us believe our past mirrors our present. Our bodies sound alarms, preparing to fight or flee the hurt that we believe to be on its way, often hurting the people we love most. I’m here to share the good news: there’s a more empowering path you can take when these old stories rise to the surface.
Spotting Our Triggers: The Path to Clarity
Recently, a friend innocently asked, “Does that make sense?” A common, harmless phrase that’s often used in America. Yet, for me, it tapped into a deep memory. I was instantly transported back to a time when someone in power used those words to intimidate me, implying that my comprehension was lacking since English is my second language. In that moment, despite my friend’s good intentions, my past self bristled, ready to defend.
We win half the battle when we can come to awareness when we’re triggered. When we find those feelings rising to the surface, the most powerful action is to pause, breathe, and ask: “Is this story real, or is my past coloring my present?” Often, it’s the latter.
This intentional pause showed me that my draining emotions stemmed from an old narrative, not the current interaction. This awareness created a space to communicate openly. I explained why the phrase affected me and how we could improve future communication. This transparency didn’t distance us; it deepened our connection, turning a misunderstanding into a profound knowing.
Reclaiming Our Narratives: Choose Your Power
The human brain is extraordinary, not only storing memories but also possessing the ability to rewire itself. Every trigger presents two profound choices:
Cling to the old story: Remaining on high alert, believing the world is full of threats and the people around us are out to hurt us.
Opt to rewrite the story: Approaching the narrative with an open, curious mind, without assumptions. This profoundly impacts ourselves and our relationships.
Let me share another example: As a child learning English, my teacher taught the nuances of English pronunciation, including the various ways to say the word, “the”. Later, my mom overheard me practicing and insisted the pronunciation of the word was “thuh” and never “thee”. It was her way or nothing.
Years later, my husband – who has an excellent grasp of English – gently corrected my pronunciation. Instantly, that old story roared to life in my head. Despite knowing his correction came from love, I felt familiar shame and defensiveness as when my mother corrected me. For a long time, his gentle corrections sparked frustration.
During one such moment, I finally paused and asked: “What story am I telling myself? Is it true? If not, how can I rewrite this to align with reality?” I knew my husband wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, so my circulating narrative had to be false.
I chose to embrace vulnerability. I shared with my husband how his corrections made me feel. Grounded in the present, I explained my frustration stemmed from that old story resurfacing, and asked him to help me write a new narrative. He met me with grace, and full acceptance, creating a safe space for me to explore this new narrative. This open dialogue offered a soothing alternative to my past pain, transforming a sensitive topic into deeper intimacy.
The Unstoppable Force of Truth
The stories that play in your mind aren’t necessarily true. The next time you feel triggered – by a conversation, an unexpected event, or something beyond your control – pause, ground yourself, and ask:
What story am I telling myself about this situation?
Is that story real? Or is it a past narrative clouding my current reality?
What truly matters now? (Defense or deep connection?)
How can I rewrite this story to reflect the truth?
Examining truth with love and self-compassion simplifies difficult conversations. Rewriting past stories of hurt, shame, betrayal, and pain can feel daunting, but you are not alone. Those who genuinely care want to support us in creating new narratives of trust, honesty, love, and healing.
As you navigate your week, consciously notice when you’re triggered. Then, take that crucial first step to rewrite a past story. Share your feelings with a trusted loved one, or journal to reinforce the truth for the next time that old trigger attempts to resurface.
